Very few people know that I suffer with a debilitating mental illness, I have been in situations where I’ve been within a group of people and the conversation has been about OCD, when I share, that I myself suffer with OCD ,the response is “lucky you, your home must be like a show house” or “feel free to pop round to do a bit of cleaning” we all have a chuckle and go about our business, but under that chuckle is a very different story.
The OCD that I suffer with is OCD within relationships clinical name is relationship obsessive compulsive disorder for short ROCD focusing on intimate relationships,whether romantic or non romantic,obsessions become extremely distressing and debilitating having negative impacts on the functioning of a relationship.
I will continuously doubt whether a partner loves me, and constantly question if the relationship is right for me ,if I’m told that I’m liked or loved I constantly have to check with that person that ,that is the case I need reassurance all the time this is always accompanied with unwanted thoughts ,and haunted continueously with doubts,this in it’s self is absolutely exhausting ,I also analyze their behavior all the time to see if there are any pointers on how they feel ,if what they say is true, all of theses thoughts and obsessions are irrational, having to cope with this mental illness and also not forgetting the person on the receiving end, eventually I end up pushing partners away from me resulting in the break down of another relationship.
Looking back at my life I’m 100% sure that I have suffered with this illness since I was about 20 years of age, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 43 years of age, I always struggled with romantic relationships, I’d throw myself in so quickly ,but in the same sense would finish it at the drop of a hat, I would become so obsessed with the person that I couldn’t concentrate on work or even driving my car,going shopping,and also sleeping, my insides always felt like they were running at high speed , the thoughts and obsessions that I have constantly are stressful and debilitating to the point of not leaving the house in case the man I was seeing drove past , the anxiety would build to such a peak that when he did go passed it was a relief, but then instantly it would start building again, this is an extremely exhausting process and one that has effected my life so badly, in fact this condition has cheated me out of a big proportion of my life, as I have made the wrong decision due to my illness and to date not able to conduct a relationship like it should be,
It is something that I mask pretty well, in fact, the day I went to see my doctor about the way I was feeling I had got to the point, of no return, I have contemplated, ending my life rather than have to cope with this condition, I felt like I was going mad, and even previous partners have called me MAD,NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD,WILD.
At one point I did think I was mad, thanks to my Drs diagnosis I am now on medication, I am how ever on the highest dose for ROCD, and do still struggle with the condition as the medication will not control the symptoms to the point of the condition not being evident, so relationships are still a struggle for me ,and on top of that I have to live with the fact that I quite possibly will never be able to conduct a relationship, and that is a hard one to get your head round.